Author: Duncan

Kilometerage

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The traditional way in which we have measured fuel consumption for automobiles in America has been in miles per gallon (mpg). Since many countries are use the metric system, there has been a shift away from using mpg. Now this sounds like a great move, since the metric system is far superior to its imperial counterpart, but instead of simply converting miles to kilometers and gallons to liters, giving us kilometers per liter (km/l), we are now stuck with liters per hundred kilometers (l/100 km). It may seem like an insignificant difference, but there is a movement aimed at extinguishing mpg from the face of the Earth and replacing it with l/100 km. So if there’s people out there making websites and handing out pamphlets, there must be an obvious advantage to using the l/100 km system, right?

Proponents of the l/100 km system, or 100kers, try to confuse you by asking questions like, “Which saves more gasoline, going from 10 to 20 mpg, or going from 33 to 50 mpg?” Then they tell you that the answer is that the first option saves five times as much gas as the second. Upon hearing the correct answer, you are then shocked and upset, confused by why a 10 mpg change is much greater than a 17 mpg change. Instead of questioning why math is so dumb, let’s answer a better question: what is a consumption per unit system actually measuring?

Let’s face it, most people don’t know their mpg, let alone their km/l or l/100 km. When you ask someone what kind of mileage their car gets, the answer is something like, “I put $40 in there every two weeks,” or, “I can go three weeks before I have to fill up.” These answers are worse than useless, as we are not told the value of any variables in the equation.

Before we continue, let’s get a handle on what we’re measuring by calculating the mpg for an average car at the pump. Imagine that, after starting with a full tank of gas, you drove your Chevrolet Cavalier 300 miles, then decided it was time for a refill. After topping up, the display shows 10 gallons pumped. To find out how many mpg your car gets, you simply divide miles driven by gallons pumped (300m/10g) which gives us 30 mpg. What this number means is that for every gallon of gas you pump into your car you can drive 30 miles. Confused? No.

Similar to the previous example, let’s pretend that you drove your Cavalier 450 kilometers and then pumped 30 liters of gas to fill it up. Now to get your km/l you preform the same calculation as you would to get mpg, except you are dividing kilometers driven by liters pumped, which results in 15 km/l. However, if you’re a 100ker, you will divide liters pumped by kilometers driven, then multiply the answer by 100, resulting in 6.67 l/100 km. The meaning of this number is less obvious to the average driver, unless you are only driving in 100 kilometer increments.

So since we now have a grasp on how to calculate each of these measurements of mileage, let’s see if they are really that different. mpg measures miles driven per gallons used. km/l measures kilometers driven per liters used. l/100 km measures liters used per 100 kilometers driven. The third option is slightly different than first two because it is actually just the reciprocal of the second option multiplied by 100. The reason they use 100 kilometers is that dividing liters used by kilometers driven gives you a very small number between 0 and 1, as all modern consumer vehicles drive more than one kilometer for every liter of fuel they use. So if the third option is just the second one flipped upside-down, why all the debate? Let’s do some graphing. For the sake of comparison we are going to leave out mpg and use only kilometers and liters.

The graph above shows the mileage, or, more accurately, the kilometage of two vehicles. All vehicles plotted on this graph will show a straight line, unless they have inconsistent fuel consumption, which they don’t. The first line shows a vehicle which gets 4.5 km/l, likely a sport utility vehicle or large truck, while the second line represents a small sedan, showing an impressive 15 km/l. We can see that after driving 100 kilometers, the first vehicle consumes around 22.2 liters of fuel, while the second consumed only 6.67.

The confusion begins when 100kers compare the two lines on the graph and wonder why the difference in (km/l) is not the same as the difference in liters used. Basically, the amount of fuel used should not vary as you move along the graph. What they want is a graph which compares km/l  to liters used, but you can’t make that graph because there’s no way to know how many liters you are using unless you define how many kilometers you are driving. So we will plug in 100 km and graph how many liters are used every 100 kilometers as the km/l changes.

Now we have a nice graph which we can use to see how many liters we are saving as we adjust the km/l, just what the 100kers want. But why should everyone in the world use a system that is more difficult to calculate and less obvious in terms of daily use? At its core, the issue is that these people think fuel economy should always be used to determine how much fuel you can save when driving a set distance. What if you wanted to know how many kilometers you could drive with a set amount of fuel, or how many liters you will burn when driving any distance other than 100 kilometers? Apparently these questions aren’t worth asking.

The l/100 km method is also inconsistent with our fuel consumption language, since as fuel economy increases, l/100 km decreases. A vehicle that gets 2 l/100 km is twice as fuel efficient as one which gets 4 l/100 km. In addition, as fuel economy improves in the future, the number may drop below 1, which means that we could see hybrid sedans advertised with a fuel consumption of 0.33 l/100 km. Eventually we will switch to l/1000 km, all because of those selfish short-sighted 100kers.

So if you think that every motorist should do more calculations and use an ambiguous fuel consumption system which approaches zero as fuel economy increases, just so those who analyze fuel economy don’t have to do extra math, then go on, go the wrong way. We never wanted you with us anyway.

Beyond Boredom

Duncan 2 Comments

There is no excuse for being bored. At every turn we are assaulted with an onslaught of optical and audible amusements. Video games, television, music and movies can easily keep boredom at bay, but at what price? Entertainment often pacifies our mind and neutralizes our imagination. As we all know, the deepest discussions arise during long drives and the most insightful thoughts flow forth from sleepless nights. Silence is a friend to the thoughtful, an essential ingredient in meditation.

There are certain circumstances in which the mind is permitted to wander, but they only come to pass once one has crossed the threshold of boredom. Sleepovers are a great example of this. As children, we all knew the adventure of spending a night at a friend’s house. For some reason, our friends’ toys always seemed more interesting than our own, so much of the day was spent enjoying the things that our friends found tiresome. But once the Sun had descended and the house was still, it was time for the real magic.

After making camp in the living room and watching an R-rated movie, the television was turned off and, after a few moments of silence, the conversation would begin. Conversation like this can only happen once all avenues of entertainment are exhausted, once boredom is no longer an option. Dreams, fears, love and weakness are exposed as we confess our deepest longings to each other.

Another situation that allows for the transition beyond boredom occurs when children are dragged off on a family camping trip or brought to their grandparents’ house for a holiday dinner. Entertainment is scarce, forcing children to use their imagination and environment to find excitement. Basements become dungeons, sticks turn into swords, dolls transform into audiences and younger brothers become slaves. When children don’t have toys, they make toys. This behavior is another example of restriction fathering invention.

In many ways our minds function as distinct bodies with muscles and a digestive tract. Our minds need input (food) which can be anything from rock concerts to romance novels, or even blogs. Obviously, some of this brain food is nutritious and will promote a healthy, robust mind. Video games would rank as something like mental McDonald’s – it will keep us alive, but just barely. If we were to exclusively consume lower forms of input, our minds would decay into lethargic dependence, only craving the next dose.

Our minds also require output (exercise) such as composing music, painting a picture or writing an exam. These mental workouts can vary in length and intensity, with some offering more benefits than others. The more intense exercises, such as writing an essay or organizing an event, would be the metal equivalent to weightlifting or long-distance running, while activities such as writing e-mails or having a casual conversation, would be akin to a mild walk or chair aerobics session.

Too often our brains are oversaturated with low quality input and never stretched by high intensity output. Most of us don’t even know what it’s like to be bored – to have a hungry mind. This is why boredom should be embraced, not avoided. Boredom forces us to exercise our minds, to stop cramming it full of nutrient-stripped waste and be creative.

Put your brain on a diet. Get bored.

Engine House

Duncan 1 Comment

Despite the vast entertainment and luxury that can be found in urban environments, many of us long to escape, to get away, to a more peaceful and natural setting. There is something in us that can be satisfied only by a raw experience with the strength and tranquility of nature. Exploration and adventure are inescapable aspects of human imagination. Indeed, we long to travel the world, see new sights and overcome challenges, but we are restricted by our affection for comfort. This is why camping exists.

Camping is a diluted simulation of primal existence. Depending on the age and taste of the participants, the comfort level of a camping experience can range greatly.

To some, camping is a way to escape the grasp of technology and tedium. Hoping to renew their spirit, these hardy folk tend to employ tents and sleeping bags rather than more inviting facilities. The grass is their floor, the trees are their walls and a nearby bush is their lavatory. A flint-lit flame guides them by night, enchanting and entrancing with gaze lost deep in the flicker.

For young people, camping is as much an escape from society as it is from sobriety. Often unable to recall the origin of various bruises and swellings, the young camper is usually too intoxicated to be concerned with sleeping arrangements or niceties.

After years of hard work and stress, camping can be an attractive lifestyle choice for the aged. They are often observed piloting enormous bus-like vessels, known as recreational vehicles, down the highway. RVs vary in size and complexity; they can be as large as a log cabin and are extravagantly furnished. Satellite television and leather upholstery ensure that these campers must never endure a moment of silence or discomfort. An RV attempts to combine the transportation capabilities of an automobile with the habitability of a house. Unfortunately, when combining these two, the RV’s inventors decided that the exterior must be painted with a design that does not resemble an automobile or a house. It usually has strange arcs and waves splashed across a beige background. Whatever your opinion of this design, if somebody asked you to paint their house or their car, you wouldn’t choose something like this:

Now it’s obvious that sleeping in a king size bed while watching television could hardly be considered camping. At some point camping loses its essence, ceases to be camping and becomes something else. Thick-skinned pioneers may say that it ends when you bring shelter or matches, some say electricity or plumbing ruins all of the fun, while others contend that sleeping in anything bigger than a tent is the stake in the ground. Whatever the case, it’s clear that there is a camping chasm between survivalists and seniors.

By now you’re probably thinking that there should be a word to describe this comfort-coated camping, and you’re right.

Miles Prower

Duncan 1 Comment

Cats do not consciously control their tails. To observe this, simply do the following:

  1. Find cat.
  2. Subdue cat.
  3. Hold tail of cat firmly in hand.
  4. Observe movement of tail in relation to cat.

As you will see, the motion of the tail often does not coincide with the cat’s disposition. Usually the tail swings and swirls in random directions while the cat itself lies motionless. It’s hard to imagine a use for this strange attribute, but then again, it’s also hard to imagine a use for a cat.

Plotting Prudence

Duncan 1 Comment

A $200 computer can do almost everything that a $2,000 computer can do, yet it is one tenth of the price. A Toyota can do almost everything that a Ferrari can, but you can own seven fully loaded Camrys for the price of a 458 Italia. It’s true that a Ferrari outperforms a Camry in almost every area, but is that extra performance worth so much?

This phenomenon is present in every category, from studying for a test to cooking a meal. In anything which we invest time, energy or money to get a result, we will find that we get 90% of the value for the first 10% of the cost.

Of course, the value on this graph is in relation to functionality, not luxury or aesthetics. A painting which has received countless hours of detail is much more beautiful and meaningful than a doodle on a napkin, though they may depict the same scene. Likewise, a meal, when cooked with care for a loved one, conveys the appreciation and love not found in microwaving a frozen burrito. However, if you are going to make an investment or purchase for the sake of necessity or functionality, the efficient choice lies somewhere around the 10% mark.

E-Search

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The Internet is a powerful source of information. No matter what the subject, you may surely find what you seek on the web. The most peculiar topics are likely to have a forum or entire web ring dedicated to their discussion. The strangest idea you every had probably has a website devoted to it.

The Internet has become increasingly trustworthy as a source of knowledge and advice. The average citizen no longer turns to newspapers, encyclopedias, textbooks or the elderly for information, instead favoring the touch of a key over a word from the wise. Whether you’re writing a paper, raising a child or buying a car, the Internet is likely the first and last place you will look for help.

Now whether or not you trust the Internet for advice on how raise your children is up to you, the real issue is what you say you are doing when you beseech the web for wisdom. Here is an example of how a typical conversation usually plays out:

“Scott, I think I’m going to buy a Ford Focus.”

“Why would you such a thing, Gary?”

“Well, I was doing some research the other day on Ford’s website and it said that the Focus has the best fuel economy in its class.”

“I can’t argue with the facts, Gary. If the research supports your decision, then I am obliged to concur.”

The problem here is obvious, Gary never did any research. Research is what scientists are doing when they discover new medicines, what biologists are doing when they embark on deep-sea explorations, what archaeologists are doing when they unearth dinosaur skeletons. Research is not when you type, “should i buy a ford focus plz?” on Yahoo and click the first link that shows up. Claiming that you have researched a subject that you merely read about online is a severe exaggeration, if not downright deception. People have devoted their entire lives to fields of study, often braving remote and hostile conditions for years, for the sake of research.

The word research conjures up ideas of devotion, nobility and discovery. There is nothing noble in reading a blog about cat ear medicine and no devotion or discovery in spending two minutes scrolling your mouse to find out how a light bulb works. Instead of misleading others by telling them that we have done research, let’s use a new word:

e-search. [ee-surch]

–verb.

1. to use the Internet, or other electronic source, to acquire information.

-noun.

2. the quick and easy process of scanning the Internet for information on a given topic.

This word perfectly captures what you actually did to find out how to throw a frisbee extra far. You did an electronic search, nothing more. There was no critical thought or analysis, no experiments, no systematic investigation and no discovery. You typed a phrase on a keyboard, then read what someone else wrote, that’s it.

Eco-Track

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One of the worst inventions in recent years has to be the Segway, a personal transportation device which uses gyrostabilizers and an electric motor to whisk pedestrians up and down the town. Besides the fact that the Segway accomplishes nothing that a bicycle or scooter cannot, no one in their right mind would spend upward of $5,000 for such gimmicky apparatus. In an age saturated with laziness and brimming with obeisity, people do not need another means to avoid physical activity. That is why many companies are now turning to HP (human-powered) technology in favor of electric devices. One of these devices is especially interesting, as it combines the health benefits of a treadmill workout with the modern sophistication of a Segway.

Now the future is one step closer, introducing the Eco-Track:

Take all the joy and satisfaction of physical exertion and put it together with hip, new-age technology and you get the Eco-Track. Who wouldn’t want to be seen moving down the street by the power of their own legs on this snazzy gadget?

The Eco-Track uses an electric motor, powered by a battery which stores the energy generated from the track; so simple, it’s brilliant. The speed of the Eco-Track ranges from a comfortable walk to a brisk jog, depending on what the rider prefers. If you want to increase the speed, simply walk faster and if you want to stop, just stand still.

Obviously, this invention is a forgery intended to point out the inherent stupidity of having a machine walk for you. Instead of inventing contraptions which separate physical activity from transportation, we should be seeking to unite them. We can start by taking things away from people and forcing them to use their bodies. No more Segways, no more forklifts, no more Zero-Point Energy Field Manipulators and no more crutches.

Clearing Up Cleansers

Duncan 1 Comment

When something is dirty and we want it to be clean, soap is a good choice. Deciding which soap to use makes it a bit trickier. There’s hand soap, dish soap, shampoo, body wash, facial cleansers, car wash, kitchen and bathroom cleaner, hand sanitizer – the list goes on and on. Some of these soaps clearly have special purposes, for example, we need a degreaser for dishes, while a stain remover is best for clothing and upholstery. But is stain removal really a bad thing to have in our dish soap? Is a degreasing agent out of place in body wash? Once we start to believe the lie, that we really need all these different soaps, our life becomes complicated by the myriad of choices, but soon we will see there can be only one.

A great deal of soap diversification is due to the cleanser industry’s complex marketing strategy. They want us to buy the latest product specifically designed to help make our life easier. This seems reasonable, until one day we open our cupboard and find it’s full of Tide; we open the fridge to grab some milk and realize we’re holding Mr. Clean and when we try to start our car we discover that the gas tank is full of windshield wiper fluid. An interesting fact, windshield wiper fluid was recently ranked as the most useless among marketed consumer soaps. Anyway, we need to get back to the basics; we need to know what it means to be clean.

Urbandictionary.com defines clean this way:

  1. Having stopped taking drugs.
  2. Something nice or tight.

In light of these insightful definitions we can conclude that something is clean when there is no visible, tangible or smellable residue and when bacteria levels are within a safe range. When we view cleanliness from this perspective, it begs the question, can’t there just be one soap?

Why must men and women bathe with different bubbles? Their bodies can’t be so different that they require alternate chemical mixtures to remove dirt from their skin and hair. And why can’t we wash our hair with dish soap? Everyone’s hair should be clean enough to eat off. The idea that our skin requires a certain form of soap makes no sense and, to crown their absurdity, soap companies would have us believe that certain parts of our body require different cleansers, as if the skin on our face shares nothing in common with the rest of our body. Unfortunately, as each new detergent is dispensed upon the public’s hands, social pressures ensure that no one dares break the lathery laws of soapery.

One can only imagine what’s next for soap. Certain sources cite Rump Rinse as the next big thing, a cleanser specifically designed for derriere care. After all, our bottom is a unique and special area, so it could require special treatment. Soon it will be unthinkable that body wash could service our rear end, and those who use these suds on their scalp will likely be called butt-heads.

Faux Jock

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A faux jock is a male human who, by his physique and aggression, seems athletic, but only imbibes these traits for social purposes. The faux jock is identified by a few key characteristics:

  1. A disproportionately overdeveloped upper body.
  2. Readiness to engage in fisticuffs over trivial matters.
  3. A unique grip of cellular phones.

We will be focusing on the third identifier since the other two are fairly straightforward. The following step-by-step instructions will take you from ring to faux jock grip.

To begin, simply wait until your phone rings. While you are waiting you may take your phone from your pocket and send an insulting text message to a friend. Once the ringing begins you may answer or, if the caller is a girl, notify your peers that the call is, in fact, from a female. It also helps if you have the latest club song as your ringtone (the volume at maximum, of course).

Once the call is accepted, elevate the elbow connected to your grip hand as to make yourself appear larger. This is a common behavior exhibited by certain species of birds and reptiles to attract mates and intimidate competition. It also gives people a better view of your biceps. Ideally, the elbow should be raised high enough to give you a level surface on the outside of your forearm.

With the phone resting in a nearly open palm, use your index finger to firmly plant the upper part of the phone to your ear. You do not want to be seen as merely supporting the phone with your hand, but controlling it. You are the boss of the phone, not the other way around.

Once you’ve engaged in conversation do not yell but be sure that everyone nearby can hear everything you’re saying. This is another common demonstration in the animal kingdom – emitting loud noises to alert others of your presence. You may now roam the area, making sure to keep your torso upright and muscles flexed.

After the conversation is finished put your phone away and return to your group. It is now customary to downplay your enthusiasm, referring to the conversation or caller as a nuisance.

Now that you can recognize the faux jock grip be sure to conceal your laughter; the faux jock will charge at even the slightest threat to his pride.