Brotherhood of Nod

In the daily grind of traffic, there is a peculiar occurrence which many have witnessed but few understand. Those who have driven any sort of atypical vehicle, like a motorcycle, hot rod or commercial truck, know it well: the nod.

The nod is a momentary expression shared between two individuals driving vehicles that are similar in size, shape and wheel count. The nod usually occurs just before the two drivers pass each other while traveling in opposing directions. Once the drivers notice each other, in that moment, without any prior relationship or communication, a kinship is shared. As the machines pass, the drivers acknowledge each other with a subtle physical gesture. The gesture is often a slight nod, but it can also take the form of a tip of the hat or a wave (partial or full-fingered). This brief moment of comradery may seem like a shallow, compulsory custom, and it is.

After all, what could two motorcycle-riding strangers have in common with each other, other than a fondness for two-wheeled automobility? What secret knowledge could be shared between truckers, aside from a common vocation? Surely all who drive similar vehicles or work in similar industries needn’t nod at every encounter. But if the requirements for this practice are so minimal, then we should nod to our coworkers, family members, friends, schoolmates, we should nod to those who look like us, dress like us, are a similar age as us, we should nod to those who enjoy similar activities as us, eat the same food as us and think the same thoughts as us.

And why should we only nod while driving? It would make more sense to acknowledge others no matter where we are or what we’re doing. However, nodding at every opportunity to everyone with whom we share something in common would obviously be irritating and impractical. But if the nod is so clearly meaningless when expressed in such circumstances, then what meaning could it possibly have in its current state? If we could sum up this expression in a single statement, it would probably be this:

We are driving similar vehicles.

The next time someone gives you the nod, imagine that phrase and keep your head steady and hands firmly fastened to the wheel.

Best Wishes

When staying up too late with friends, conversation tends to drift past the realm of relevance into the imaginary and supernatural. One such conversation involves the What Would You Wish For? scenario, in which the subject is called to answer what they would request from a genie who could grant any wish.

The scenario varies slightly depending on whether the genie abides by single wish or tri-wish regulations. Most top wish analysts agree that three wishes would seem unnecessary, as the wisher’s first demand should be comprehensive and explicit enough to grant all of the desired fortune, fame and power at once. In other words, three wishes is for people who don’t know how to wish.

Before we move on to wish design, we should cover some basic rules that might be enforced by genies if they were real and cared about regulation.

  • Rule #1: The wisher may not wish for more wishes, more genies, a do-over or to see the outcome of a wish prior to wishing.
  • Rule #2: The wisher may not make sub-wishes inside of a single wish by using conjunctions such as and, with or plus.
  • Rule #3: The wisher may not wish to ascend beyond the scope of human understanding. For example, the request “I wish to be God” would be denied due to the terrifying cosmic ramifications of said wish.
  • Rule #4: When the wisher is not explicit in a demand, the genie is to request additional information. If none is given, the wish shall be granted to the best of the genie’s understanding. For example, a wisher who requests “to have magical powers like Gandalf” is implying that they want the power of reincarnation, telekinesis, beard, etc.
  • Rule #5: The wisher may not wish the genie free. As alluded to in Rule #1, genies may not be the target of wishes. In addition, a wish granted by a free genie holds no power, thus resulting in a paradoxical wish-loop.

Now that we’ve covered some basic rules, we shall answer once and for all what is the best wish?

If we were to choose based which wish is most popular, we might end up with unlimited money, immortality, the ability to fly, invisibility or something equally shortsighted. Thankfully this process isn’t democratic, otherwise we might end up with something as meaningless as a wish for change.

If we chose based on power, then the idea of infinite wealth is out, since money is only valuable because of its scarcity and can only be used to execute limited corporeal commands. Wishing for power, however, comes with many dangerous consequences. For example, wishing for the ability to reshape reality would likely put an end to the world as we know it. The laws of physics would be overruled by the will of a flawed, selfish creature, and it wouldn’t be long before the Earth was uninhabitable because the wisher wanted the sky to be made of bubblegum.

The best wish is one that combines power with practicality and wealth with wisdom. We do not wish to reshape the universe, neither do we wish to merely vacation in Hawaii and drive a Ferrari. What could be more desirable than power and more precious than gold?

Knowledge.

The best wish is to wish for knowledge. More specifically, to wish for the ability to know anything that you want to know. The scope of this wish ranges from the most crucial and decisive questions about our existence to the mundane and inconsequential, from the origin of the universe to the location of the TV remote, from the truth about whether we are alone in the universe to the winning lotto numbers. It satisfies the deepest existential, emotional, physical and spiritual desires of our heart. To answer all things – it completes a human being.

This wish does not come risk free. Since everyone is closed-minded to some degree, there may be answers that you would not like or even reject. Finding out there is or isn’t a God or that Coke is actually better or worse than Pepsi is a frightening thought. It is possible that after shattering your philosophical framework a few times, you might be able to look beyond these constrictions and enjoy some level of peace. It’s also possible that this knowledge would become a burden, in which case you could just choose to know how to not be burdened by the knowledge or to know how to unknow it.

If you ever encounter a genie who will grant you one wish, wish for knowledge. In the mean time read a book.

Winning Bread

breadwinner. [bred-win-er] -noun.

1. a person supporting a family with his or her earnings. Since Mike is staying home with the kids, Anne is the family’s new breadwinner.

2. a person who has won the bread lottery. Upon hearing his numbers called out, Peter jumped to his feet and screamed, “I am the breadwinner!”

Smell Particles

Olfaction is the means by which vertebrates sense whether or not something is delicious. Before we eat any mysterious food, we usually smell it to make sure that it’s not something we won’t enjoy. Some things have an appealing smell, like flowers, but their aroma doesn’t make us want to eat them. This is an obvious trick that nature uses to get us to eat inedible things. Mastering the ability to discern which smells indicate edibility is a lifelong process of trial and error.

There are also undesirable smells, like that of decaying flesh, which discourage us from ingesting their sources. What’s interesting about smelling is that it doesn’t actually prevent disgusting things from entering our body. Think about it, how could we detect the scent of rotten meat if no part of it was in contact with us?

Some have proposed that the particles which we detect with our noses are somehow different from the ones that actually comprise the source. These imaginary devices are called smell particles, and their invention is solely meant to conceal the fact that when we smell something, tiny pieces of that thing are entering our body. To more accurately understand olfactory mechanics, think of smelling as merely tasting from a distance. This might not seem like an important revelation, but the consequences can be alarming.

The thought of flower particles wafting into our nostrils likely won’t upset anyone, but when we imagine less pleasant fragrances, like those found in outhouses or garbage dumps, the gravity of the situation takes hold. Whenever we smell a dump, whatever kind of dump, particles of excrement and refuse are going inside of us. There is no enchanted smell particle that protects us from nasally ingesting these awful things, a fact proven by the damage caused by sniffing toxic chemicals. Thankfully, many of these potentially harmful particles are caught in our nasal passages before reaching vital areas. This realization, combined with cultural condemnation, should ensure that booger-eating is eradicated.

The use of air fresheners is a popular solution to stinky situations, but while they claim to neutralize odors, they only ensure that we are inhaling the undesirable particles as well as a concoction of unnatural chemicals. One popular brand contends that its product actually eliminates odors rather than covering them up. The company recently released a line of products that are completely odorless, which they see as proof of their product’s neutralizing powers. As the commercials illustrate, these products are able to make even the most filthy, unsanitary space smell fresh and clean. But even if an air freshener could completely remove all odors from the air, it doesn’t address the cause of such smells.

Things stink because they’re dirty, and dirty things need to be cleaned. When the garbage can stinks, it’s time to empty it; when the cat litter is foul, it’s time to change it, and when our body reeks of sweat, it’s time to bathe. The problem with a rotten smell is not our ability to detect it, but that something is rotten.

The reason people don’t live in filth is not because of the smell; it’s because humans have a disdain for unclean things. Although our ideas of cleanliness may differ, most would agree that it is not good to let things rot or decay. Our sense of smell is a tool that we use to determine whether or not something is clean, which also helps to determine edibility. By using air fresheners to mask or eliminate odors, we are effectively removing our capacity to detect uncleanliness through olfaction – as much a solution as plugging our nose.

But unlike plugging our nose, air fresheners don’t prevent us from taking particles of toxic or filthy things into our bodies. Even the air fresheners that claim to eliminate odor don’t actually destroy these buoyant fragments of filth, but merely inhibit our ability to sense them. Also, aside from distorting our understanding of cleanliness, these products discourage us from obeying one of the most fundamental childhood lessons: cleaning up after ourselves.

Of course, most of us still recognize when something is dirty, for we can usually see the evidence. But perhaps one day air freshener companies will release a set of goggles that make dirt and messes invisible, thus altering our reality to a more pleasant state. After all, it seems as though we are as much concerned with the perception of cleanliness as cleanliness itself. Or, if we can’t wait for such technology, we could merely make do with something more primitive:

Be careful, little nose, what you smell.

Aged Lamb

Many North Americans enjoy the taste of lamb. Maybe it tastes so good because lambs are innocent and pure – they haven’t tasted the harsh cruelties of life – or perhaps because the meat hasn’t been sitting out in a field. Whatever the case, we can’t get enough roasted lamb, rack of lamb, lamb chops, lamb shanks or lamb tacos.

Everyone knows that lamb is an acceptable choice of meat that can be found at any supermarket, but why don’t we see mutton along side it? We eat both veal and beef, but in the world of sheep only the young are fit to be devoured, as if the meat becomes garbage once the lamb has a birthday.

A lamb becomes a sheep after one year and its meat can no longer be sold as lamb, instead going by the name hogget; after two years the meat is known as mutton. Obviously the quality of the meat does not immediately disintegrate once the name changes, so there must be another reason for the rejection of this legitimate food source. The answer is found in the question, “Why don’t people eat mutton?” Would you want to eat something called mutton? The word begins with derogatory slang for a dog and makes us think of dark, stringy flesh that smacks of mud and ash. Even hogget, which is not as familiar a term, would cause the curious to cringe after simply reading the label. So what’s the solution?

From now on the meat of any sheep past the age of twelve months shall be known as aged lamb. People like aged things, like wine and cheese, so they will be innately attracted to the idea of aged lamb. It offers the perception of a more robust, chiseled flavor, catering to those of us who prefer more refined cuisine. Now in addition to wearing their hair on our bodies and using their guts for tennis rackets, we can now fill our stomachs with our puffy, bleating friends.

Stop letting sheep off the meat hook and eat aged lamb.

Remans

Much has been written and spoken about the nature of humans, but not much thought has been given to what the term truly implies. We ponder whether or not people are cooperative or competitive, whether they are good or evil and why they insist on eating themselves to death. There is no end to the speculation over which course we would take if we were uncorrupted and unspoiled by society.

Whether by gender binaries, racial stereotypes or cultural norms, our character is cultivated to make us behave in unpredictable and even obscene ways. But the topic we will discuss here is not about how humans behave in a society but, rather, the quintessence of the human creature. We do not study the nature of felines by watching domesticated cats, so why would we study domesticated humans? We want to know about human instinct, behavior and inclination, not why Teddy always plays with the green pipe cleaner. What is our natural state, if unimpeded by other humans?

To find the answer we shall turn to Romulus and Remus. No, we’re not talking about Star Trek: Nemesis (R.I.P., Data), we’re talking about feral children. There are many legends from ancient times about children who were raised by wild beasts, and from these cases we cannot draw many conclusions. But in recent decades there have been several documented cases of children who endured prolonged isolation and neglect. If there is a true human nature, a behavior which is unadulterated by pressures and perceptions, this is it.

So how does a feral child behave? Children rescued from extreme conditions show little or no ability to verbally communicate, undeveloped or absent social skills and impaired motor function. Having skipped the critical developmental period for language learning, they have an intensely difficult time learning to either communicate with or relate to other people. They often seem uninterested in interacting with other humans, instead preferring solitude. Learning to use cups, cutlery, or even the toilet is nearly impossible. Some even have trouble learning to stand and walk.

Robert H. Bork said, “Every new generation constitutes a wave of savages who must be civilized by their families, schools, and churches.” He was right. Every human born into this world enters as a feral child and it is only by the conventions of society, whatever they be, that the child is rescued from savagery.

What are we, then? Filthy, detached, silent and inept – this is human nature.