Garnish

garnish. [gahr-nish] -verb.

1. to add an unnecessary component for decorative or superfluous reasons. The zucchini twists garnished the dish, making it exquisite in appearance.

2. to remove a necessary component for obligatory or legal reasons. The government is garnishing my wages until the debt is paid.

The Cleft

Orbs, held within the fold,
of flesh, cleft and braced.

Forbidden that none behold,
yet dressed, then placed,

To draw eyes and ire,
that hearts burn and seethe desire,

And wonder at the sense,
to stash a sacred thing where all can see.

Regardless of the wearer’s intent, female clothing is geometrically designed to direct attention to the chest – the precise area deemed inappropriate for inspection.

Gradient

Whether motivated by a biological imperative or the need to vicariously atone for their own deficiencies, parents pursue the success of their children with fanaticism. And since we all know that education is the foundation for happiness and wealth, it is often the center of parental focus. Even after secondary graduation, the importance of education is stressed by parents as well as left-wing radicals bent on brainwashing young minds.

So how do we know whether or not a student is succeeding in school? The answer is by simply looking at the student’s grades. What isn’t so simple is the method by which those grades are calculated, interpreted and transcribed.

The basic concept of grading is that teachers award their students a score for each of their assignments and exams. Then, using the student’s combined scores, a grade is assigned. This grade determines the student’s level of achievement in the class and dictates whether they are passing or failing. Although nearly all institutions assign grades in this way, their interpretation of a student’s performance will vary significantly. In some countries, students are graded on a 1 to 20 scale, some simply use 1 to 5, while others assign letters.

In many parts of the world, most predominantly America and Western Europe, a student’s score is expressed as a percentage representing the ratio of correct answers to problems given. For example, a student who answered 24 questions correctly out of 31 is given a score of 77. Now everything up to this point has made sense, but we’re about to make a bumpy trek into the world of letter grades.

In an attempt to more clearly communicate the level of achievement, many nations have adopted some form of alphabetized ranking derived from the percentage score. In these systems, the letter A indicates the highest grade, while E or F represent the lowest. Here are some different interpretations of the letter grade system:

United States Ireland Singapore Pakistan Jordan
A 90-100 A 85-100 A1 75-100 A1 90-100 A 60-100
B 80-89 B 70-84 A2 70-74 A 70-90 B+ 55-59
C 70-79 C 55-69 B3 65-69 B 60-70 B 50-54
D 60-69 D 40-54 B4 60-64 C 50-60 C+ 43-49
F 0-59 E 25-39 C5 55-59 D 40-50 C 35-42
F 0-24 C6 50-54 E 33-40 F 0-34
NG 0 D7 45-49
E8 40-44
F9 0-40

As we can see, there is great variety even among nations that use letter grades. To complicate things further, many districts consider letter grades too vague, so plus and minus suffixes are used to add complexity to a system designed to be simple. Here’s how it works in most American schools:

United States
A 90-100 A+ 98-100
A 93-97
A- 90-92
B 80-89 B+ 87-89
B 83-86
B- 80-82
C 70-79 C+ 77-79
C 73-76
C- 70-72
D 60-69 D+ 67-69
D 60-66
F 0-59 F 0-59

Now we would expect that such a finely-tuned system would satisfy all concerned parties, but this isn’t the case. Because employers and post-secondary institutions often wish to know the overall average grade of a student during a semester or program, an entirely new system was devised: the grade point average (GPA).

Grade points are awarded based on either the student’s final letter grade or percentage score achieved in a class. Most institutions use a system in which students are awarded between 0 and 4 points per course. Institutions that use use percentages to calculate grade points do is in a number of ways, and the most common is to simply divide the percentage score by 100 and multiply the product by 4.

Institutions that determine grade points using letter grades will simply translate an A as 4 points, B as 3 points, C as 2 points, D as 1 point and an F as 0 points. However, letter grade suffixes allow a student to be awarded more than 4 grade points for a single course. In many schools, the plus or minus suffix simply adds or subtracts 0.3 or 0.33 to the grade point value.

Standard 4 Point System 4 Point System with Suffixes
A 90-100 3.5-4.0 A+ 98-100 4.3
A 93-97 4.0
A- 90-92 3.7
B 80-89 2.5-3.49 B+ 87-89 3.3
B 83-86 3.0
B- 80-82 2.7
C 70-79 1.5-2.49 C+ 77-79 2.3
C 73-76 2.0
C- 70-72 1.7
D 60-69 1.0-1.49 D+ 67-69 1.3
D 60-66 1.0
F 0-59 0.0-0.99 F 0-59 0.0

The grade point average is then calculated by adding together a student’s grade points and dividing by the number of courses taken during that time. Sometimes grade points also incorporate the credit value of courses by multiplying each course GPA by its credit value, then dividing by the total credit value of courses taken.

So to recapitulate, here’s how grades are calculated:

  1. Assignments and exams are graded with a score, usually a ratio of correctness (24/31).
  2. The ratio is expressed as a percentage (77%).
  3. The percentage is converted to a letter grade, sometimes with a suffix (C+).
  4. A combination of percentage, letter grade and course credit value is translated into grade points (2.3).
  5. The grade points are divided by the number and/or value of courses taken, resulting in the grade point average.

Now if you begin to feel an intense and crushing feeling of terror at the concept, don’t be alarmed. That indicates only that you are still sane. For in the same way that the measurement of fuel consumption and time have been corrupted by counterintuitive expressions and unnecessary calculation, grading also suffers from superfluous complexity.

We should not manipulate systems to suite our interpretation but interpret the expressions of the simplest and most efficient system. In this case, a percentage is the simplest and most efficient expression of a grade, since it is nothing but the numerical representation of the correctness of a score. Letter grades, suffixes, grade points and grade point averages are all derived, directly or indirectly, from the percentage, and they necessitate additional levels of interpretation to understand.

Whether expressed as a B, B+, 3.3 or 3.4, everyone understands that 88% is a pretty good score, so let’s just grade in percentages.

Sticks

Imagination is a powerful thing, especially in the hands of children. As we have already seen, when children are deprived of entertainment, their minds will bend reality to suit their needs. A wonderful example of this is the use of sticks as medieval weaponry. Here’s a graph which identifies common interpretations of various stick lengths:

But stick aren’t just instruments of brutality. They can also transform into magical devices, with the length of the stick determining the level of magical power contained within.

Some would argue that scepters and canes may also possess magic, but the power of a scepter is merely in its representation of a high position, and canes are mostly used to assist those with a limp.

The Path to Empathy

What do the Lance Armstrong, Michael J. Fox and the Christopher Reeve Foundations have in common? Besides being established by and named after a celebrity, these three organizations were all devoted to eradicating the very condition with which their founder struggled.

These men are (or were) hailed for their contributions to these causes, but is it really heroic to try and cure a condition only after you’re diagnosed with it? Surely these men didn’t create a charity organization in an effort to cure themselves, rather for others in the world struggling with the same condition. But if their motivation was the good of others, then why did they only begin their crusades once they were personally affected? Perhaps human empathy is more of an automated response than a noble pursuit.

Before moving forward, let’s be clear about this subject: these are serious issues that cause real and terrible suffering. Our goal here is merely to explore the peculiar ways in which we react to them.

Supporters of foundations like the ones we mentioned believe that empathy can be spread by generating awareness. These concerned folk band together to form special interest groups, which seek to advance only a single, specific cause. Their objective is to use whatever means necessary to make known the extreme importance of their concern. In addition to snatching up nearly every date on the calendar, they have also exploited the light spectrum as an instrument of awareness. Because color is simple and pervasive it makes an ideal canvas on which to paint one’s message.

The use of color as a medium is most commonly advanced through the display of ribbon-shaped bumper stickers and plastic bracelets. Here’s a chart which identifies few colors and the movements they represent:

Melanoma Gang Prevention Death
Diabetes Asthma Brain Cancer
Peace Brain Injury Bone Cancer Terrorism Poverty Adoptees
Tobacco Colorectal Cancer
Arthritis Victim’s Rights Free Speech Water Quality Water Safety
Drunk Driving Child Abuse Colon Cancer Tobacco Dystonia Education
Prostate Cancer Scleroderma Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome
Epilepsy Cancer
Eating Disorders Stomach Cancer Pulmonary Hypertension
Pancreatic Cancer Testicular Cancer Thyroid Cancer Lupus Alzheimer’s ADD and ADHD
Brain Aneurysm Thrombosis Headaches Cesarean Section Adults with Disabilities
AIDS and HIV Drug Abuse Heart Disease Burn Victims Stroke Drunk Driving
Breast Cancer
Leukemia Hunger Cultural Diversity Animal Rights Self-injury
Support for Troops Suicide Prevention Adoptive Parents Bladder Cancer Spinda Bifida Endometriosis
Childhood Cancer Sport Therapy
Parkinson’s Depression Bipolar Disorder Anxiety Disorders Children with Disabilities
Emphysema Lung Cancer Multiple Sclerosis
Ovarian Cancer Cervical Cancer Uteris Cancer Sexual Assault Tsunami Victims
Pedestrian Safety Lyme Disease The Environment Celiac Disease

There are many more patterns than what are represented above, and many more causes associated with each one. The color purple, for example, can be tied to over thirty distinct movements. In their inability comprehend the scope of such behavior, special interest groups have devalued the meaning of color. They fail to realize that if everything is special then nothing is special. But this doesn’t discourage supporters from proudly donning their ribbons and bracelets.

Although the motives may be genuine, this method of expression does raise questions about the narrow focus of concern. For example, someone wearing a pink bracelet is not only declaring their support for breast cancer victims and research, but their support only for breast cancer victims and research. Are these individuals not also concerned about lung cancer, suicide, sexual assault and child abuse? If someone considered themselves a supportive and caring person, we should expect their arms to project a prismatic array of plastic.

The reason we rarely observe anyone displaying more than one bracelet or ribbon is that humans can only experience legitimate empathy through suffering, either their own or that of someone they love, and chances are that each person is acquainted with only a small number of conditions.

The passion of Armstong, Fox and Reeve is inspiring, but we should remember that their zeal was forged by tragedy and hardship, not a bumper sticker.

Cerumen

Like any excreted bodily substance, earwax (also called cerumen) is regarded as unclean and must be purged from our anatomy. It is also frequently and wrongly accused of causing hearing difficulties and ear infections. In our quest to rid ourselves of this naturally occurring lubricant, sealant and cleanser, we turn to the most notorious and dangerous available instrument: the cotton swab.

The general purpose cotton swab was invented in the 1920s and has been widely used as an ear cleaning tool. While the device does serve countless household and commercial purposes, physicians around the globe concur that aural hygiene is not one of them. In fact, the use of cotton swabs is known to cause infections, push wax deeper into the ear and sometimes irritate or even puncture the eardrum. There is even a warning label on cotton swab packaging that warns consumers not to insert the instrument into the ear canal, but this does little to deter us from probing deep in search of sludge. So why do we continue to risk our health and hearing for the sake of hygiene?

Part of the answer is likely that the cotton swab was originally marketed, in part, as an ear cleaning device. It’s long, narrow shaft and absorbent tip make it seem like the perfect tool for cleaning our inner ears, and its effectiveness is clearly visible after use. Basically, even if we know that it shouldn’t be used this way, the cotton swab appears to be the perfect ear cleaning apparatus.

Another factor could be the mere mild acknowledgment by cotton swab manufacturers that inner ear cleaning is not a viable use for their product. These organizations know that their product is dangerous, and they know that people continue to hurt themselves, yet they hide behind a warning label. This argument is not meant to excuse us of responsibility for what we do to our bodies; it’s meant to incriminate organizations that distribute a product with the knowledge, and even expectation, of its misuse. Cotton swab manufacturers could help to end this misuse by using ads to educate the public on the correct uses of their product, but this could hurt their sales, so they do nothing. Tobacco companies are the most infamous culprits of hiding behind warning labels, but there are many more advocacy groups educating consumers about death sticks than deaf sticks.

Much like the Sauron’s One Ring, cotton swabs were forged with an evil purpose – a purpose served by men too frail to resist its power. In our weakness, we lust after sparkling clean ear canals, accepting aid from even our enemies. Let’s do ourselves a favor and cast these vile things back from whence they came.

Plot X

The X-Men must foil Magneto’s plan to bring about mutant dominance. A device is created which kills or changes either humans or mutants. Later it is discovered that the device has an unexpected effect.

Which of the first three X-Men movies fit this plot summary?

Hygienesis

Since the discovery that many diseases are caused by microscopic organisms called germs, we have developed complex habits and strategies for avoiding these invisible, infectious cretins. Such strategies include avoiding insects, wild animals and corpses, habitually cleaning our bodies, clothing and dwellings, as well as amassing large varieties of soap. When we are confronted with something unclean, like a rotting animal carcass, a response is stimulated and we are compelled to cringe and pull away. What’s fascinating about this behavior is attempting to determine whether the stimulus is conditioned or unconditioned.

The terms unconditioned and conditioned stimulus were coined by a Russian physiologist named Ivan Pavlov, who fed bells to his dogs until they began to salivate. We can think of an unconditioned stimulus as anything that causes a basic physiological reaction. In other words, something that triggers an instinct such as hunger, fear or pain. A conditioned stimulus is something that may trigger a similar response, but only because an association has been made between that stimulus and the unconditioned stimulus.

For example, someone who falls ill after venturing outdoors without wearing shoes might make an association between shoelessness and illness. From there, the sensation of stepping out of their house barefoot may actually disgust them. Another common example would be the fear of insects. Many people despise insects, especially spiders, and believe that these creatures are unclean. But is this fear an innate response intended to protect us from potentially poisonous pests, or is it an acquired response from a past experience?

What’s even more interesting is that these conditioned stimulus can be transmitted, either consciously or unconsciously, to other individuals. One who is fearful to step outside without footwear may teach this practice to others, perhaps without even explaining its origin. The result of the spreading of unexplained conditioned stimulus is a society that strictly adheres to customs and procedures that may have no known or legitimate purpose. To be clear, germs are real and they can cause serious health issues, but our sense of cleanliness may have less to do with the realities of the microscopic world than with these transmitted stimuli.

Saliva, for example, is generally considered an unclean substance, for most of us would be hesitant to share can of soda with another person. However, there are several encouraged activities which promote the exchange of saliva, such as kissing. We view saliva differently depending on how it is transmitted, since we know that saliva transmitted by a lick is more volatile than that by kiss. Some will argue that the saliva of those we most often kiss, such as friends and family members, is less hazardous, but that belief only reveals the unsubstantiated stereotype that strangers possess more dangerous germs than the people we know. By refusing to ingest someone’s saliva we’re insulting them, as if saying, “I think you’re a diseased liar who is trying to trick me into getting sick.”

Another case of inconsistency is our understanding of the relationship between cleanliness and time. Some things, like food and garbage, become less clean over time, while others, such as toilet seats and beds, become more clean. In the case of toilet seats, warmth can even be considered unclean, since it indicates recent contact with another human being. We aren’t so much disgusted by the idea of sharing a toilet seat, as long as there isn’t any observable evidence of prior use.

Touch is another thing that disgusts us only in certain situations. We feel unclean when interacting with animals and washroom gadgetry, yet we erroneously assume that most mundane objects we encounter are benign. Simulations using substances visible only under black light to represent germs have shown that nothing is safe from touch. We are constantly making contact with our hair, face, clothing, phone, keys, keyboard and food, but we are sure to wash our hands after using the restroom so that we remain sterile. The actual cleanliness of many objects and surfaces with which we regularly interact may come as a shock to us. Let’s look at a few examples, as it appears we are mistaken about a great many things.

Things that are actually dirty: desks, money, doorknobs, railings, dishcloths, light switches and shopping carts.

Things that are actually clean: dirt, insects, lake and river water, mustaches and fresh meat.

There is much obscurity about germs in the minds of commoners. We know that germs can cause illness, but we aren’t always sure which germs we’re avoiding. What illness, exactly, do we think we will contract by drinking from a river, touching an insect or sitting on a warm toilet seat? Many of us believe that we must sanitize our surroundings to neutralize the unseen threat of germs and bacteria, yet few could identify the pathogens we’re bent are eradicating. There are legitimate culprits, like E. coli, but we don’t really think our homes are breeding grounds for fecal contamination. We’re afraid of germs – ambiguous, invisible, malevolent germs.

In summary, the motivation for our hygienic practices is more social and emotional than factual, and we shouldn’t let society pressure us into believing that something is or isn’t clean; we should make informed decisions. In many ways this may liberate us from the bondage of a false sense of filth. Of course, we may also be crippled by an overwhelming concern for the contamination of our environment, but mysophobia is a problem only afforded to those whose lives are devoid of legitimate threats.

The next time someone offers to share their soda with you, drink it.