Unit E

“The most important unit? It must be Unit A.”

“I don’t think so, friend, I know it’s Unit B.”

“You both are quite mistaken, the answer’s Unit C.”

“A, B and C? All wrong. The choice is clearly D!”

“Can we just stop all this fighting? After all, the most important thing is Unit E.”


Humans are rational creatures that behave irrationally. We do many things that make absolutely no sense, and some of these things can even hurt ourselves and others. A great example of this is the common motorist’s compulsion to exceed the speed limit. We all do it, but why?

It could be a behavioral remnant from our ancestors to keep at the front of the herd to avoid being picked off by predators. It may also be that a cost-benefit analysis determines that the benefit of getting to our destination more quickly outweighs the cost of a potential fine or collision.

Some people say that increased punishment doesn’t discourage crime, since someone planning to rob a bank wouldn’t reconsider if they were to learn of an increase in the minimum sentence for armed robbery. This is because the cost-benefit analysis is usually skewed by emotion or simply doesn’t take place at all. Another example is that people play the lottery.

Increased punishment doesn’t discourage crime, but a serious lack of punishment, or enforcement, can encourage crime. For if the punishment for robbing a bank was a $200.00 fine, or there was only a 1% chance of being caught, it is likely that we would all reach for our sack with a dollar sign on it.

We can see here that the knowledge of likely and significant punishment does discourage certain behavior, to a degree. If, however, we were to graph deterrence and enforcement, the graph would be much more linear. This is because the threat of punishment is empty without enforcement. Likewise, enforcement is meaningless if the punishment is not significant enough to cause offenders to reassess their strategy.

The punishment for speeding is fairly well-suited to the seriousness of the offence, so an increased in punishment likely wouldn’t convince motorists to slow down. The failure is likely in the extreme lack of dispensation of punishment.

It’s true that police are constantly on the road enforcing traffic laws, but how often do speeders get a ticket? What is the ratio of our infractions to tickets received? Though the exact statistics are unknown, it’s likely that each of us breaks traffic laws dozens, if not hundreds of times for each time we’re caught. The solution? Self-policing.

Since police can only catch a fraction of infractions, it only makes sense to allow drivers to collectively dispense punishment on one another. Every person with a valid driver’s license could report other drivers for their infractions and, based on those reports, tickets could be issued. The system would be computerized, online and fully automated, allowing whistleblowers to upload data from their personal computer or mobile device.

The jerk in a big truck who zips past you in a school zone? Reported.

What about the grandma driving into oncoming traffic with her high beams on? Reported.

That guy who keeps reporting you? Reported.

Obviously, there are some difficult details to work out, but once in place this system would increase revenue from traffic fines, clamp down on rampant speeding and free up the police force to tackle more serious matters.

If you don’t like this idea, it means you’re a big smelly speeder.

The Loxley

Ever heard of The Loxley?

If not, don’t fret. It’s no big deal, just the latest fad sweeping my bedroom.

In your travels you may have seen the occasional person sporting what is known as a tuque. These devices are often used to preserve heat inside the cranium, thus warming the brain. They also serve to identify with certain social groups. As a general rule, the tighter the tuque, the more angsty the group.

If you’re stuck somewhere on this graph, The Loxley can help you. The Loxley is merely an alternative way of wearing a tuque, inspired by a type of felt hat made famous by Robin Hood.

Above is a horrible drawing of a typical Robin Hood hat.

…It’s a feather.

So if we take the concept of Robin’s cap and apply it to a tuque, we get:

There are many claims that when people morph their tuque into The Loxley they feel more confident, more intelligent and more like a 15th century English thief. There are even rumors that The Loxley strengthens the immune system and improves sexual performance. Try it, you won’t regret it.

The Loxley – it’s gonna be big.


An orange is comprised of a crust of soft skin,

masking a sphere of treasure within.

Inside the sphere, ten segments sealed,

and what’s in the segments, once they are peeled?

Tiny clear pouches, ready to burst,

brimming with juices, quenching our thirst.

Driver Steve

Imagine you are driving to work one day. When stopped at an intersection you turn to the right and take notice the driver. He appears pretty average, except that he is reading a book and eating a sandwich. Instead of becoming enraged at his stupidity, you imagine what is going through his mind when he pulled his book from the glove compartment and the sandwich from the brown paper bag.

“Red light, green light, same old, same old. Driving sure is boring.”

“…Steve, you genius.”

(Steve opens the glove compartment and reaches for a dilapidated copy of My Life as Crocodile Junk Food).

“Why has no one has thought of this? I mean, I always see people driving and they look bored as heck. Why don’t they just read a book!?”

Several pages into the book, Steve’s stomach rumbles.

“Oh man… Oh man, oh man! I could eat too!”

Steve reaches for the sandwich, the smirk on his face revealing his intense self-satisfaction.

“I’ve got to tell the guys about this, they won’t believe how smart I am.”

When you’re driving around town and decide to text a friend or apply make-up, you are not being a genius. There is a reason why you don’t see everybody doing these things while driving, and it’s not because they haven’t thought of it. Everyone knows that it’s possible to do these things while driving, but they also know that it’s demented and dangerous.

Next time you have a brilliant idea that seems really obvious, ask yourself the question, “Is there a reason why people don’t do this?”