Tag: children

Dredging Children

Duncan

Right now there are 43 million working women in the United States. While the feminization of the workplace is good news for women seeking to establish a career, it has created a significant shift in our understanding of family and gender roles. The traditional expectations placed on women to raise children and tend the home have eroded, and while this has granted freedom to women, the fact is that child rearing is a necessary part of life. With more women choosing to make their careers a priority, the task of raising children is now falling on a relatively new and untested mother: the child care system.

There are about 20 million children between the ages of 0 and 4 in the United States, and around 13 million of them are enrolled in regular child care. There are 819,000 daycare facilities nationwide, varying from nannies and small neighborhood operations to large-scale facilities. Enrollment may be expensive, costing up to $16,000 per year (depending on the location and level of care). In total, the United States will spend about $70 billion on child care in 2013, which averages to $5,384 per child. This may not seem like an extraordinary amount of money, but with nearly 30% of families headed by only one parent, and the median annual income for single mothers being a mere $32,000, child care can become a serious expense.

Many parents note that, apart from affordability, there are availability issues that often require them to place their children on waitlists. Although the child care industry continues to grow, it’s failing to meet the demand. This puts parents in difficult situations, sometimes forcing them to choose between working and caring for their children. Because of this, many parents are forced to use unregulated child care, which has resulted in some alarming stories of neglect, abuse and even death. In a recent interview, The New Republic’s Jonathan Cohn summed up the state of child care this way, “We have this awful situation where the daycare we have isn’t good enough, and yet it’s also too expensive for many families to afford.”

In a somewhat ironic turn of events, women are increasingly finding themselves turning to child care as a career. A vast majority of child care workers, upward of 95%, are female. With 1.5 million women professionally caring for children, perhaps the migration of women into the workplace is less of a liberating endeavor than initially thought.

A possible solution to these issues could be to replace child care facilities with child care factories. Fully automated, open all hours and built to meet standardized health and safety requirements, the child care factory uses modern industrial machinery to streamline the process of caring for young humans. Although mechanization may be a nemesis of job creation, it’s worth noting that the influx of 43 million women into the labor force did not collapse the job market.

The above image is an example of the general layout of a child care factory. Parents enter the lot in their vehicle, drive around to the rear of the building and place their children in the drop-off window. After doing so, the parent receives a receipt later used to obtain the child. Once placed in the window, the children are then stripped, tagged and cataloged into inventory while gleefully tumbling along a conveyor belt before plummeting a short distance into a large ball pit. The children, or items, then spend the duration of their visit blissfully suspended in the pit while a mixture of classical music and educational material plays from speakers overhead.

While in the pit, cameras capture the events while the items’ vital signs are monitored by the tags they received upon entry. If an item exhibits an abnormal heartbeat, breathing rate or other signs of medical crisis, they would immediately be removed from the pit, and the appropriate parties would be notified, whether that be the parents, paramedics or supervising factory staff. Also, if a parent was inclined to check the status of their child, they could monitor the factory’s inventory on the company’s website or call an automated answering service, which would politely guide them through a series of unnessecary options.

The side view above shows some of the inner workings of the factory, including the ball-sanitation pump, which continuously removes and sterilizes the plastic balls before returning them to the pit. Also visible is the dredging claw and pneumatic cylinder. The claw is comprised of a pleasant, robust material as to avoid damaging children as they are gently snared in its soothing hooks.

The items also receive nourishment from the nutritious coating that is continuously applied to the balls after cleaning. This solution provides the perfect balance of vitamins, minerals, fat and protien that a growing child requires. And since children can’t help but attempt to put everything in their mouths, they actually feed themselves.

When a parent is ready to pick up their child, they simply drive through the pickup window and scan their receipt. The item is then located using tag and a portion of the claw extends to dredge them from the pit. The item is then placed on a conveyor belt and sanitized before appearing at the pickup window along with its clothing. The parent then places the child in the vehicle and continues about their business.

Industrialization has proven to increase safety in areas such as food production and product assembly, so it seems feasible to entrust our offspring to its lifeless, metallic arms. After all, we never leave prized possessions with strangers.

Sticks

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Imagination is a powerful thing, especially in the hands of children. As we have already seen, when children are deprived of entertainment, their minds will bend reality to suit their needs. A wonderful example of this is the use of sticks as medieval weaponry. Here’s a graph which identifies common interpretations of various stick lengths:

But stick aren’t just instruments of brutality. They can also transform into magical devices, with the length of the stick determining the level of magical power contained within.

Some would argue that scepters and canes may also possess magic, but the power of a scepter is merely in its representation of a high position, and canes are mostly used to assist those with a limp.

The Naming Way: Part II

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In part I we discussed how names are used differently in various situations. We also touched on the idea that first names can take multiple forms, depending on the situation. But how are these names chosen? What factors influence a parent’s decision to brand their newborn child with a label for the rest of their life? First, let’s talk about name popularity.

Statistics from name databases clearly show the historical rise and decline in the popularity of certain names assigned to children at birth. Some names were popular at one time but have since tumbled into oblivion. Henry and Bertha, for example, were trendy titles in the late 19th century, but are seldom used today. Other names, such as Aiden and Addison, are hip newcomers to the name scene, surging into style from obscurity in the mid 1990s.

There could by any number of causes for the swell and slump of particular names, from heroes and villains in television and film to inspiring saints or despised politicians. It’s possible that Hitler and Stalin were popular names at one time. Another cause for increased popularity could be short-sighted parents who want to give their child a trendy name. But what happens when that name is no longer fashionable? The child grows up to be just another Henry or Bertha, bearing an old-fashioned title that conjures imagery of grey hair and false teeth.

Parents also express themselves through the names of their children. In an attempt to appear unique and enlightened, they may choose a name from another culture, which may result in long explanations of pronunciation and spelling. Another recent trend is the use of traditional names with non-traditional spelling. Rather than giving the child a feel of individuality, these alternate spellings merely confuse others and produce unnecessary identification errors.

An additional factor in name choice is the parents’ feeling toward certain names based on personal experience with people who had that particular name. The parent could have shared a deep friendship with someone and as a tribute, desire to pass that name on to their child. Conversely, the parent could have been bullied or harassed by someone and, as a sign of harbored resentment, refuse to proliferate their name. This is often a point of conflict between spouses when they have had opposing experiences with the same name. Now let’s explore some potential hazards into which parents often fall when naming their newborn.

Parents should answer several important questions before deciding on a name for their child. First, does the name sound pleasant? It is important that the name embodies the qualities of the child’s gender. Feminine names are expected to be beautiful and masculine names are supposed to be tough. Names like Ulga and Percy do not fit this requirement and should be rejected. Sometimes names which have traditionally been male are adopted by females. This usually happens after a male name gains popularity, making the females jealous, causing them to steal the name. These names are usually smooth and mild, so it’s unlikely that a girl would receive the name Gary or Walter.

Parents should also consider how the name sounds together with the family name. Some names can produce an annoying alliteration, such as Steven Stover, while others, like Chris Smith, remind us of a winter holiday. After finding a first name that works well with the surname, parents must still navigate the maze of middle names.

Middle names, sometimes called second and third names, can be given for a variety of reasons. They can honor the family’s heritage or religion, or serve as a fallback option in case the first name fails. Parents should be mindful of how the middle name, or names, sound in conjunction with the first and last names, as well as the initials they create. It would be very cruel to name a child Samuel Harold Isaiah Thompson.

Parents must also imagine what form of a name their child will be known by, since many of us go by nicknames. A name may seem like a perfect choice, but parents must imagine what people will actually call their child.  Samantha sounds nice, but she’ll get called Sam. Peter seems like a good choice, but he’ll probably go by Pete. There are also names which have short forms that do not resemble the full name at all, like Richard and Dick or James and Jim. Some names have multiple forms, such as William and Robert, which each have five variations.

There is always one variation which, for some reason, is not legitimate.

Parents should also be aware that there is a possibility, however unlikely, that their child might be mocked at school. They must consider what cruel insults may be hurled at their children before settling on a name. Plain Jane, fat Albert, snoozin’ Susan, deaf Jeff and smelly Shelly are all potential aliases for your child once they’re exposed to the vicious and relentless ridicule of elementary students.

After answering these questions and carefully choosing a name, there is yet one question which has been have ignored up to this point: is it fair that parents decide their child’s name? Children are autonomous individuals, not pets, so why must they endure being labelled by another person? Perhaps children are not responsible enough to be trusted with their own name. Perhaps having a fixed name is beneficial to the child’s identity. Regardless, children should get one free name change when they become an adult.

Remans

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Much has been written and spoken about the nature of humans, but not much thought has been given to what the term truly implies. We ponder whether or not people are cooperative or competitive, whether they are good or evil and why they insist on eating themselves to death. There is no end to the speculation over which course we would take if we were uncorrupted and unspoiled by society.

Whether by gender binaries, racial stereotypes or cultural norms, our character is cultivated to make us behave in unpredictable and even obscene ways. But the topic we will discuss here is not about how humans behave in a society but, rather, the quintessence of the human creature. We do not study the nature of felines by watching domesticated cats, so why would we study domesticated humans? We want to know about human instinct, behavior and inclination, not why Teddy always plays with the green pipe cleaner. What is our natural state, if unimpeded by other humans?

To find the answer we shall turn to Romulus and Remus. No, we’re not talking about Star Trek: Nemesis (R.I.P., Data), we’re talking about feral children. There are many legends from ancient times about children who were raised by wild beasts, and from these cases we cannot draw many conclusions. But in recent decades there have been several documented cases of children who endured prolonged isolation and neglect. If there is a true human nature, a behavior which is unadulterated by pressures and perceptions, this is it.

So how does a feral child behave? Children rescued from extreme conditions show little or no ability to verbally communicate, undeveloped or absent social skills and impaired motor function. Having skipped the critical developmental period for language learning, they have an intensely difficult time learning to either communicate with or relate to other people. They often seem uninterested in interacting with other humans, instead preferring solitude. Learning to use cups, cutlery, or even the toilet is nearly impossible. Some even have trouble learning to stand and walk.

Robert H. Bork said, “Every new generation constitutes a wave of savages who must be civilized by their families, schools, and churches.” He was right. Every human born into this world enters as a feral child and it is only by the conventions of society, whatever they be, that the child is rescued from savagery.

What are we, then? Filthy, detached, silent and inept – this is human nature.