The birth of a child is a magical moment. It plucks primal chords of love, fragility and hope. When parents welcome their first child into the world, something strange takes place. The mother, after enduring the physical and emotional turmoil of carrying and delivering the child, is now compelled to focus all of her energy and care into this tiny amphibious being. The father undergoes a very different transformation which has less to do with emotion and more to do with cognition and physique.
Once an adult male bares a child, his fingers thicken, like bloated sausages, and his hair relaxes its grip on the scalp. Elasticity of the skin around the midsection increases dramatically as his muscles are imbued with hidden dad strength. The subject’s interests and attention also shift focus. The mind dulls as tedious and uninteresting subjects like Nascar and pro baseball can now be studied for hours on end. This mental lethargy renders his jokes completely unamusing, incurring laughter only at the feebleness of his attempt.
Although his thoughts are now slower and fewer in number, the subject’s knowledge of certain areas is immediately expanded. For example, the subject is now endowed with expertise in the area of automobiles. He immediately recalls every car he has ever seen and can now recognize a lemon from a distance of 100 yards.
The subject also becomes intensely concerned with the price of gas, milk and eggs. He will now travel great distances to save mere cents on these products. Although his ability to make impulsive, shortsighted purchases has not diminished, he will now dedicate hours to bartering over a few dollars before agreeing to a price. Among the most hated enemies of the father is the telemarketer. Fathers gain large quantities of self-satisfaction by bringing a telemarketer to tears or forcing them to hang up in frustration. The father is truly a force with which to be reckoned.
Beware the patriarchal metamorphosis.