Faux Jock

A faux jock is a male human who, by his physique and aggression, seems athletic, but only imbibes these traits for social purposes. The faux jock is identified by a few key characteristics:

  1. A disproportionately overdeveloped upper body.
  2. Readiness to engage in fisticuffs over trivial matters.
  3. A unique grip of cellular phones.

We will be focusing on the third identifier since the other two are fairly straightforward. The following step-by-step instructions will take you from ring to faux jock grip.

To begin, simply wait until your phone rings. While you are waiting you may take your phone from your pocket and send an insulting text message to a friend. Once the ringing begins you may answer or, if the caller is a girl, notify your peers that the call is, in fact, from a female. It also helps if you have the latest club song as your ringtone (the volume at maximum, of course).

Once the call is accepted, elevate the elbow connected to your grip hand as to make yourself appear larger. This is a common behavior exhibited by certain species of birds and reptiles to attract mates and intimidate competition. It also gives people a better view of your biceps. Ideally, the elbow should be raised high enough to give you a level surface on the outside of your forearm.

With the phone resting in a nearly open palm, use your index finger to firmly plant the upper part of the phone to your ear. You do not want to be seen as merely supporting the phone with your hand, but controlling it. You are the boss of the phone, not the other way around.

Once you’ve engaged in conversation do not yell but be sure that everyone nearby can hear everything you’re saying. This is another common demonstration in the animal kingdom – emitting loud noises to alert others of your presence. You may now roam the area, making sure to keep your torso upright and muscles flexed.

After the conversation is finished put your phone away and return to your group. It is now customary to downplay your enthusiasm, referring to the conversation or caller as a nuisance.

Now that you can recognize the faux jock grip be sure to conceal your laughter; the faux jock will charge at even the slightest threat to his pride.

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